


I Think You're My Best Friend

by Emmybazy



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: A considerable amount of angst, Emotional Infidelity, F/M, Kids fic-both ways kind of, M/M, Marriage, Minor Character Death, Please read my note before reading, Small Towns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 04:43:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3515759
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emmybazy/pseuds/Emmybazy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum hasn't seen Luke in twenty years. Calum hasn't felt like himself in twenty years. When Luke walks into Calum's office, Calum's finally forced to confront the fact that Luke's more than the best friend who left town, without notice, a few months before Calum's wedding. </p>
<p>Or, Luke comes back. Calum is married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Think You're My Best Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Well. Normally I try to be brief here, but this fic means a lot to me. Story time!
> 
> For the first two weeks of February, I couldn't stop listening to the new Fall Out Boy album, especially the song The Kids Aren't Alright. It ate away at me, the feeling of that song, like the emotion is so so big but it's not enough. That feeling snuck under my skin and I couldn't shake it. Then this fic idea hit me, as a way to transfer the feeling out of my body and into something else. I spent the next 22 hours writing the first 10k draft and after I was finally able to do things without feeling melancholic. 
> 
> The reason why I'm explaining this is because this is not like my other fics. I don't want to spoil anything, so I'm saying this: go listen to that song if you haven't already and if you're not in the mood to read something that feels the way that song does, don't read this. This fic has definitely morphed over the past month, but at the end of the day, this fic revolves around the lyrics "And in the end/ I'd do it all again/I think you're my best friend" and "I'll be yours/When it rains it pours" so if you're not in the mood for that kind of thing, this probably isn't for you. 
> 
> I'm sorry if that warning is kind of vague, but I would hate to ruin someone's day with a fic they didn't sign up for. If people want more details, come ask me on tumblr and I'd be glad to give a more detailed plot line in private messages. 
> 
> Back to business, I do not own 5 seconds of summer even though it'd be super nice if I did. The fic title is a lyric from The Kids Aren't Alright by FOB.
> 
> I have to say the hugest thank you to the people who helped me with the editing process. Cat (felinehazza), Georgie (blosskitty), Stella (5soscake-bakery), Jay (inwideeyeddisbelief) and Fia (punk-et-disorderly), you all helped so much in turning this into something I'm proud of. I doubt I would have the confidence to post this without your support, encouragement, and valued critiques. Lots of love friends :) 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this, that it's cathartic more than anything else. God knows it was cleansing for me to write it.

Calum, in his forty five years, has learned many words. He wrote songs when he was in high school that people thought were clever. He proposed, stringing together words that made Ava cry. He helped name his two children, Nicole Claire and Adam James. He writes monthly reports of his sale records and uses his words, more than anything else, to sell industrial machinery. His job is to be good with words, to know how to make an impression with a few and hook people with a few more. Over the years, he’s practiced this moment, what he would say, how we would say it. Yet, he loses all those words when he sees Luke Hemmings again for the first time in nineteen years.

“Where’s the lip ring?” Are the first words out of Calum’s mouth when Ashton brings Luke Hemmings into his office.

Luke’s eyes are that same blue that Calum remembers. The sly smile, crowded by laugh lines, has not wilted over the years. Luke crosses his arms over his suit jacket and says, “Wasn’t very professional, was it?”

“Uh,” Calum turns at the sound and sees Ashton pointing between them, “Do you guys know each other?”

“Do we know each other?” Calum mimics, standing up and hoping he hit save on his word document. He walks from behind his desk to Luke. Luke holds out a hand to shake but Calum hits it away, pulling Luke into a hug because any other greeting between them would be wrong. Luke startles but relaxes into the spaces his body used to fill.

Calum hasn’t seen Luke since March of 1998. It had been two months before Calum’s wedding, and Calum was trying once more to convince Luke to be his best man. Words had failed Calum that night too. Luke’s apartment had been empty when Calum had gone to see him the next day.

Calum is mid inhale, trying to figure out if Luke smells the same, when Ashton clears his throat, “I’m going to guess you do.”

Calum suddenly feels all the places his body is clutching to Luke’s. Maybe this was appropriate when they were twenty- somethings and wore their hair long and ragged, but now they’re standing in Calum’s hard won office with Calum’s boss watching and his suit jacket creasing.

Calum pulls back slowly, hands moving from Luke’s lean back, resting on the curve of his waist. Luke’s hands slide from around Calum’s shoulders to his elbows. Luke feels the same, the energy he gives off still feels like a laugh sounds. His lips hold back a bright smile. Calum clears his throat, turning to Ashton, “Uh, yeah. This is my best friend.”

Luke’s fingers grip Calum’s biceps and Calum squeezes his waist back. Ashton looks amused, “Really, because I thought that was our new accountant.”

Calum furrows his eyebrow and turns to Luke, “Accountant?”

Luke takes a step back, face amused as he extracts himself from Calum’s still clinging hands, “Don’t look so surprised, what else was I going to do? You’re the shocking one, Vice President of Sales.”

Calum smirks, straightening out his navy suit, “We knew I’d end up here, somehow.”

Luke turns to Ashton and points out Calum’s window to the factory down the road, “He always thought he’d end up on the factory floor.”

Ashton smiles the way that Calum hates, the smile Ashton only uses with customers or board members, “It’d be a waste of talent for our Calum to be assembling rather than selling.”

“Please, Ashton,” Calum shakes his head, “Don’t try to talk me up. He won’t believe a word you say.”

“He doesn’t need to talk you up for me to be impressed, Cal,” Luke’s words sound soft in the air and Calum turns back to look at him. Luke’s eyes remind him of shared ice cream sundaes melting as they laughed next to the tree in the park.

Calum reaches out to grab Luke’s forearm. He’s afraid to let go of him, “How long have you been in town? How-”

“Let’s get drinks later?” Luke asks, resting a hand over Calum’s fingers. Calum can feel Ashton’s gaze on their hands, “Ashton’s showing me around and I have to meet with Brian at the end of the day.”

“Six good?” Calum says, already planning to call Ava up and say he can’t make dinner.

“Yeah, I’ll meet you there,” Luke says with a gentle smile, removing his hand. Calum takes a moment but pulls his hand back too.

“See you later Cal,” Luke says as he walks out the door, Ashton following behind him with a glance and a nod back at Calum.

The door closes and jolts Calum out of his trance. He runs a hand through his hair and takes his jacket off, slinging it over the back of his deluxe leather office chair. He sits heavily, leaning back and staring at the lamp in the corner. Luke Hemmings is back.

 

*****

There’s another knock on his door at 5:15. Calum’s struggling through the current statistics for the new automated cranes and appreciates the distraction, “Come in.”

Ashton opens the door, “Surprised you’re still here.”

Calum raises a brow at him, “I haven’t left before 5:30 since I got this office.”

“Yeah, but Luke, your best friend, is waiting for you,” Ashton mocks. He unbuttons his jacket and crosses his legs in the chair in front of Calum’s desk. He’s one of the only people who finds time to sit in it.

“Don’t get pissy about it Ash,” Calum says, leaning back in his office chair, “We grew up together.”

“Yet you haven’t heard form him in how many years? Not since we’ve been friends at least, and that’s almost a decade,” Ashton points out.

Calum rubs his chin, “He left town when we were twenty six. Tried to make something out of himself.” Calum lies. Luke had left without a note or a goodbye, let alone a reason. He had always talked a big game about leaving from the first time he saw a map, but Calum had always thought it’d be the two of them, here.

“Must not have happened if he’s back,” Ashton says.

Calum lets it sit in the air. Luke couldn’t have failed, that’s not the Luke Calum knew. Luke was too damn likable for anyone to say no to him. He walked on long, knobby legs and over shared when he drank. Everyone was smitten.

Ashton shifts and breaks the silence, not more than a mumble as he says, “I’ve never seen you touch anyone like that, not even your wife.”

Calum’s jaw sets, tension between his teeth. He can’t explain it to Ashton, two best friends in a town where everyone ended up in the factory. Those two boys growing up by each other’s side and running through the fields beside McCarthy’s farm when they were six, going back when they were sixteen with beers stolen from their fathers. The notorious two friends who everyone knew around town but could never recognize without the other. Luke’s a memory Calum doesn’t let himself indulge in often, but when a memory walks in your office, you grasp on so it can’t slip away.

“I missed him, that’s all,” Calum says, starting to close out of the programs on his computer. Calum throws account folders into his briefcase even though he knows he won’t work on them before tomorrow.

“You know,” Ashton starts, “After we left your office, I told him you never said where to meet for drinks. Want to know what he said?”

“What?” Calum asks over his shoulder as he puts his wallet in his pocket.

“We did. That’s all he said,” Calum turns to see Ashton resting his head on his fist, wistful look on his face.

“Green’s a great color on you Ash,” Calum smiles at Ashton’s puzzled look.

“I’m not jealous, just confused. I’ve never-”

Calum cuts Ashton off, “Look, Ashton, you’re great. This isn't high school, I can be friends with both of you. But now I have to go meet him for drinks.”

“Ok, see you tomorrow,” Ashton says as Calum darts out of his office with his key ring in hand. Calum hears Ashton shout as he walks down the hall, “Where are you even going?”

Calum grins as he steps into the elevators.

*****

The first time Luke and Calum shared a legal drink together was in a bar on the outskirts of town, Ronnie’s. It's a place the farmers of the town go nightly, everyone wearing dirty jeans and flannel shirts. There are four pool tables, darts, whiskey and beer. If someone wants anything else, they go to a different bar. The clientele of this one are happy with the small, and cheap, selection.

Calum pulls up and immediately feels his stomach lurch. He hasn’t been here in years, and he doesn’t fit the criteria anymore. He’s going to get laughed out of the bar. Luke won’t show up because today was a dream. Calum is about to make a fool of himself on the slight chance he’ll be able to see Luke Hemmings again.

Calum looks at himself in the rearview mirror, he shouldn’t be this frightened to go back to Ronnie’s, it was his place once too. He definitely shouldn’t be this anxious about Luke, the best friend he’s ever had. Calum can’t figure out why his heart is pumping harder, but emotions aren’t always rational.  

“Shit,” Calum says, undoing his tie and rolling the sleeves up of his shirt. Calum locks his car, a brand new Ford Fiesta, and takes the stone path to the entrance. Fireflies dance in the summer air and he hears hearty laughter inside the open doorway.

Calum ducks his head to cross the threshold and turns to look at the bar. A familiar back rises from one of the barstools, elbows propped up on the counter as Luke talks to Ronnie Jr., owner of the bar since his father died in ‘92. Ronnie is laughing at whatever Luke said and Calum can’t help but twitch his lips into a grin.

Luke’s still a slim guy, his flannel shirt falling around his body rather than hugging it. His legs are long and his hair is shorter than Calum can ever remember it being. Calum wonders if Luke works out, or if he was lucky in the genetics lottery. Ava makes Calum workout in the mornings with her, to stay fit and healthy for the kids. This summer, they’ve been running with Nikki to help her get ready for soccer season.

Ronnie looks up and sees Calum, pointing a fat finger, “I don’t see either of you for years and I get you both back in one night, classic.” Ronnie’s chuckle hits Calum in the chest, the familiarity settling into his lungs. Luke glances over his shoulder and grins at Calum.

“Get him a beer, Ronnie? He’s got to catch up with me,” Luke asks and takes a swig of the locally made beer he always loved. They drove out to the hops field one day when they were twenty three, to see what they put in the beer; packed a cooler of food and everything. They sat in the trunk of Calum’s old pick up and watched the farmers harvesting the hops. God, Calum loved that truck.

Calum slides onto the stool next to Luke, still worried that Luke isn’t real, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Luke says. The smile. Calum has woken up nights with that smile running through his mind.

“I have so many questions for you,” Calum says, words sounding serious when he could be floating with how light he feels.

“Shoot,” Luke says, lips around a beer bottle.

“Cool, first I’m going to have to go with the traditional, what the fuck?” the words sound harsher than Calum means them to.

Luke swallows, eyes falling. He tries to smirk but it’s not convincing, “That could refer to a lot of things.”

Ronnie brings Calum’s beer over, “Thanks Ronnie,” Calum turns back to Luke, trying to keep casual, “Start with what the fuck are you doing back in town?”

Luke shrugs, “I wanted to spend more time with Mom.”

Calum suddenly feels immense sympathy. Everyone knows about Liz’s diagnosis. Calum visits her, bringing the kids to cheer her up. She never said Luke was coming back.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Luke,” Calum reaches out and grabs Luke’s shoulder, thumb rubbing and pressing gently into the soft fabric. It’s been years. This shouldn’t be comfortable for either of them, but Luke hardly glances at Calum’s hand, allowing the gesture and leaning into it.

“Me too,” Luke says, letting out a long breath, “She said you had been around.”

“Liz is Nikki and Adam’s third grandmother,” it sounds too true in his throat and Luke looks startled, “We spend a lot of time over there.”

Luke looks down at his hands on his bottle, “She mentioned you had kids. Said they’re great.”

“They are,” Calum confirms, “but how did you end up with a job at Jacobsen’s?”

Luke nods, taking another sip of his beer. Calum draws back his hand and takes a drag of his as well, “Mom still calls Brian every few weeks. She told him I was coming back and she was worried I’d run down my retirement fund out here. He offered to hire me for however long I’d be in town. Something about always needing more accountants.” Luke looks down at his hands again, “Doubt I’ll be here more than a few months.” Calum hears the implications and feels the stone in his gut. He’s going to miss her too.

Calum takes a sip of his beer and contemplates what to ask Luke next. Luke beats him to it, “How’s Ava?”

“She’s good,” Calum says, “Didn’t believe me when I said you were back.”

“Still don’t really believe it myself,” Luke says to the blinking sign above the bar, wistful expression on his face.

Calum watches him. Luke’s so familiar. They were best friends for years. Luke’s the only person Calum has shared a home with beside Ava. Luke was the first of Calum’s friends to get their driver's license. They got on the highway and blasted Nirvana, singing the songs that made their parents frown.  No one could hear them with the windows down and their voices off key.

Calum shakes himself out of the memory. Luke left.

“You missed my wedding,” Calum says. Luke jolts up and turns to him, “You missed my wedding and the birth of my kids.”

“Calum-”

“You missed watching Nikki and Adam grow up,” Calum breathes, the broken edges peeking through, “How could you do that, Luke?”

Luke meets Calum’s eyes. He doesn’t say anything, but the gaze is bittersweet. It’s as if the answer is right there but Calum can’t grasp it.

“Need another yet, boys?” Ronnie comes up beside them and they turn. He isn’t aware that he’s interrupting...something. Calum nods, chugging back the last few glugs of beer in his bottle.

“Hey Ronnie,” Calum asks, “do you still have someone make runs?” The best part of Ronnie’s is the ride home for anyone who gets too sloppy to drive.

“Yep, my grandson. You going to need a ride?” Ronnie asks.

Calum shrugs, “Nice to have the option. Can’t handle my liquor like I used to.”

Ronnie shakes his head, faux serious, “Worst part about getting old.” Calum and Luke chuckle.

“Tell me about them,” Luke asks as Ronnie pops off the tops of their fresh beers.

Calum tugs his phone out of his front pocket. It’s the latest iPhone, a present from work. He had transferred over all his pictures from his last five iPhones into folders. In effect, he carried around a slideshow of his kids’ lives. He opens Nikki’s folder.

“Nikki’s fifteen,” he leans forward so Luke can see. These pictures are more recent, from their spring break vacation, a week in Seattle. He settles on a picture of Nikki at the Space Needle in a dark sweater. She looks so grown up. “She’s smart, going to get out of this town,” Luke snorts and Calum grins, “I know, but she will,” Calum flips over to a picture with both Nikki and Adam, “That’s Adam. He’s a good kid. Just turned twelve a few weeks ago.”

Luke’s eyes are wide, “They look so much like you.”

Calum looks down at the pictures and can only see Ava, “People say that, but look at them. They’re practically clones of Ava.”

“No,” Luke says quietly. He points at the pictures, “Nikki’s got your nose, and that grin, Ava would never smile crooked like that. And Adam, his shoulders are all you. He’s going to put on muscle soon, you’ll see.” Luke takes a breath, “Looks just like you when you were his age.”

Calum looks up from the pictures as Luke keeps staring down, in a trance by Calum’s kids, “D’you ever have any?”

Luke grimaces and sits back in his chair. He shakes his head, “Didn’t work out that way.”

“You’re not wearing a wedding ring,” Calum had noticed in his office.

Luke runs a hand through his hair, “Divorced.”

“I’m sorry man,” Calum says, eyes sympathetic for Luke while a hidden part of him wants to push, to ask why he didn’t receive an invitation to the wedding or a tearful call when the marriage ended.

“It’s okay, we wanted different things,” Luke continues, rueful, and Calum takes a sip of his beer, “She wanted kids and I wanted to fuck men.”

Calum almost spits his beer out on the floor. Instead he swallows down the wrong pipe and starts coughing. Luke pats him on the back and asks, his voice light, “Calum?” As if he doesn’t know why Calum is sputtering.

“What?” Calum wipes beer spittle from his face.

Luke averts his gaze, “I’m gay.”

Calum stares at him, jaw dropped. He realizes that he is more shocked by how shocked he is, rather than the actual fact. Luke Hemmings is gay. This is not earth shattering. Calum swallows, pushing back memories of high school daydreams of Luke’s lips, hands, skin. Just because Luke is gay, doesn’t make their content any more appropriate. Back in high school, Calum would shun the thoughts with self-disgust. Now, Calum’s conscience and duty shake him out of his head.

“Is that why you left?” Calum says. Luke stiffens, “Did you not think we would accept you or something?”

“It was the 90s Calum, no one here was gay. Queer as Folk hadn’t even come out yet. I didn’t know there was a word for it let alone that it was okay,” Luke says, gesturing with his hands, “So, yeah, it was part of the reason why but,” Luke sighs, “it was just hard sometimes.”

“So you left without telling me? Real mature Luke.”

Luke peers over at him, “I was 26, Cal, come on. You’ve gotta forgive me.”

“I forgave you ages ago,” Calum says, realizing it’s true as he says it, “But that’s not the point.” Calum takes a swig of his beer.

Luke’s lips twitch. Calum can see the mountains of words building up under Luke’s skin. They must not be right because Luke doesn’t speak.

“You could’ve called,” Calum says, desperate now that Luke’s quiet, “Could’ve called just to say you were alright. Or sent me a wedding invite, I would’ve been there in a second.” Calum spreads his fingers wide across his chest, keeping the pain of being discarded settled there, “But nothing for almost twenty years Luke? That’s not ok.”

Luke swallows, “I know, I know,” He turns to face Calum, shoulders set, “And I’m sorry,” Luke deflates after the words leave his mouth. His face falls and his body droops. “There’s no excuse for it, I won’t ever be able to apologize enough but-” Luke bites his lip, “Can we be ok? Please? If you’ve really forgiven me, can we try?”

Calum faces the bar, resting his elbows on the counter, “You’re lucky I missed you so fucking much.” Calum whispers to the wall behind the bar.

Calum feels Luke’s hand on his thigh, “You have no idea how much I missed you Calum.”

Calum rests his hand on top of Luke’s. Calum doesn’t look down as he intertwines their fingers. Luke doesn’t say anything either, merely lets it happen.  

*****

“Come in,” Calum says at the light rapping on his office door. He’s almost finished with this email.

“Hey,” Luke says, closing the door behind him. His lips are drooped and he rolls his shoulders once the door is shut.

Calum grins, “Tough second day?”

“I might have forgotten to mention to Brian that I haven’t been a practicing accountant in a long time,” Luke sits in the chair and rolls his head around his shoulders, stretching out his neck, “I’ve been bent over old tax files for the past two hours.”

“You academics and your cushy jobs,” Calum leans back in his chair, kicking his feet up on the corner of his large mahogany desk. It’s ostentatious, the desk, big enough for two people to work side by side.

“Tell me that once you’ve had to fail a student after they cry in your office,” Luke mumbles.

Something about the image of Luke coddling a student and then failing them reminds Calum of Luke leaving town without even a note. The cruelty of it all doesn’t line up with the image of Luke he’s always had. It doesn’t line up with the Luke reclined back in Calum’s shitty guest chairs, rubbing at his shoulders. Calum swallows.

“Point taken,” Calum presses send on his email, letting it out into cyberspace without a proofread.

“As much as I love to complain,” Luke continues, “I came to ask if you had lunch plans?” His eyebrow tilts up with his voice as he finishes the question. Calum steeples his hands over his belly.

“Luke, I don’t know what happens in California, but we don’t do ‘lunch,’” Calum uses finger quotations for the first time this century, “we sit in our offices and eat between calls.”

Luke frowns, “You don’t get a break?”

Calum shrugs, “After the first year or two, I stopped taking it. I don’t feel as guilty when I leave on time at the end of the day.”

“Too bad,” Luke’s face turns to a lofty smile as he leans forward, “I was going to NYP.”

Calum sends a mock glare towards Luke, lips pursed in pretend disgust, “Since when do you play dirty Lucas?”

“Learned a few things in my travels,” Luke smirks, “So? Are you coming?”

Calum surveys his desk. He’s at a good spot in his emails to stop and the files he needs to get to today can wait until later. Nikki’s and Adam’s pictures smile up at him, almost encouraging.

“Can’t say no to pizza,” Calum shuts off his computer and grabs his wallet and keys from the hidden drawer under his desk. It’s entirely ridiculous.

“Good,” Luke’s body relaxes, the word feeling like a release of tension, “I’ll go grab my wallet.”

“No need, I’ll treat you,” Calum pulls open his door and holds it for Luke, motioning him through first, “Welcome to the company and all that.”

Luke slides his hands into his back pocket, “Thanks.” Luke waits next to Calum while Calum locks his office door.

“Calum!” Ashton calls down the hallway, “Just who I was- where are you going?” Ashton stops in front of them, pointing at Calum’s keys.

“Taking Luke out for lunch,” Calum says, a triumphant smile spreading over his face when Luke rolls his eyes. Calum, sinking into their old roles, almost bumps Luke with his elbow. He pulls back right before impact.

“Oh,” Ashton says, surprised, “Well, I guess I’ll ask you when you get back.”

“It’s cool,” Calum crosses his arms, “What did you need?”

“Just an update on the Candy Kings account. We’ll talk when you get back,” Ashton pats him on the shoulder, “Have fun.”

“We’ll try, see you Ash,” Calum backs away with Luke, headed toward the elevators. Calum catches the suspicious look Ashton sends their way as he retreats down the hallway. Calum shakes it off.

Luke steps into the elevator first, hitting the button for the ground floor. Calum keeps a healthy distance between them.

It’s been so long. Luke’s lead a whole life without Calum next to him. And Calum, Calum has lived with Luke’s shadow down every street. Calum has a family and kids Luke’s never met, kids that Calum has taken to all the spots he and Luke used to go. Luke’s standing a foot away from Calum, yet he’s twenty years away. For Calum, it feel like he’s seen Luke every day of his life. It doesn’t make any sense, the bubbles in his throat that, for once, aren’t heartburn.

Luke stares at the seam in the doors and fixes his hair. Calum swallows, burying his hands in his pocket to keep his arm from swinging around Luke’s shoulders. Maybe the problem is that Luke feels like a part of him. Luke is the favorite sweater that Calum lost that turned up in the back of his closet. He can’t throw it out, the time away doesn’t matter. Calum can’t give up on Luke. Nor does he want too.  

“Calum?”

“What?” Calum sputters out of his thoughts. Luke is standing outside the elevator, holding the doors for Calum, brow creased, “Oh, sorry.”

“You good?” Luke asks, following behind Calum as they head deeper into the parking lot.

“Yeah, just tired,” Calum responds, unlocking the doors to his little car. He practically throws himself into the front seat, embarrassment and adrenaline running through his veins.

Luke piles into the passenger side. He squeezes his limbs into the car, pushing back the seat to make room for his long legs. Calum holds back a laugh and turns his key in the slot. The car fills with the sound of heavy guitars and drums pounded within an inch of their life.

“Is this…” Luke trails off as the beat sets in, “Still into Green Day?”

Calum throws the car into drive, “Are you not?”

Luke sits back, “Of course. I just didn’t expect it to be your commute music.”

Calum smirks, turning down the volume until it’s a gentle lull supporting their conversation, “I don’t like messing with the chords, Nikki gets mad at me, so I listen to CDs. I wasn’t going to go out and by a smooth jazz album when I had all these,” Calum opens the glove compartment, reaching between Luke’s legs. Luke takes it as an invitation to look through the heap of CD cases. Calum takes the next left.

“I can’t remember the last time I listened to this album,” Luke murmurs. Calum catches Luke turning over a Nirvana CD, “Remember when we went to see them?”

“Do I remember getting lost in Chicago and missing the openers?” Calum grins, “Of course.”

“If we had just left the day before…” Luke says.

“No, we would’ve been fine if you hadn’t taken that back road when I said to take the highway,” Calum argues, no animosity in it. It’s a good memory now, something they laughed about only a few weeks later. Calum pulls into the parking lot.

“I miss this,” Luke sighs, and puts the CD away.

Calum perks up, “Getting pizza with me?”

“No,” Luke says, “Well, yeah, but I meant everything being so close together,” Calum smirks at Luke’s disgruntled face, “I have to drive thirty minutes just to get off campus.”

“I only have to fill up my tank every two weeks,” Calum brags and Luke’s frown deepens, “And it’s three dollars a gallon.” Luke lets out a loud, fake, groan and Calum can’t hold back a laugh, “Come on, let’s get inside before all the good pizza is gone.”

Luke follows Calum into their beloved pizza parlour. There are three places to get pizza in town, but this was always their favorite by far. They would come here almost every friday night in high school, grab a large pizza and two dozen wings to go. Calum still grabs dinner for his family here a few nights a month, running out on a Sunday night and bringing back enough to have leftovers for lunch throughout the week.

“You want your usual?” Calum asks, the words sounding odd. Is it a usual if it hasn’t been ordered in twenty years?

“Yeah, thanks,” Luke heads to grab a bistro table in the corner. The place fills up fast at lunch time. One time, years ago, Luke and Calum had stood right inside the door when there were no seats and it was too cold to sit outside.

“Hey Calum,” Nick, who’s been working here since they’re junior year of high school, says when Calum approaches the counter, “Is that Luke Hemmings?”

“Yep, he’s back in town for a while,” Calum leans up against the counter.

“His mother?” Nick asks. Calum nods, “That’s too bad. Send him up here when you’re done. Haven’t seen him in years.”

“Same. He showed up in my office yesterday and I hadn’t seen him in almost two decades,” Calum mentions off hand, surveying the slices.

“Really?” Nick sounds surprised so Calum lifts his head, “I thought you guys would’ve kept in touch. You were always tied at the hip.”

Calum shrugs, “It happens,” he points to the window over the pizza, “Can I grab two pepperoni, one buffalo chicken, and one sausage?” Calum asks. Nick nods his head once but doesn’t continue his line of questioning.

Calum waits for their slices, grabs some drinks, and heads to the table. Luke’s chatting with another guy from their high school. Calum doesn’t remember the guy’s name and is thankful when Luke turns back to their table when Calum comes up with the tray.

“Thanks Cal,” Luke grins up at Calum. It transports Calum back to the last time they sat at this table. It hadn’t been special, grabbing dinner after Calum got out of work back when Luke was studying for his degree. Luke’s smile hasn’t changed. Calum’s still drawn to it more than any other smile he’s ever seen. It makes Calum want to reach out, graze Luke’s cheek with his finger to make sure he’s not a living memory.

Calum needs to snap out of it, stop thinking that Luke’s presence is a pleasant dream.

They eat quickly, more focused on their food than each other. Calum stares out the window at the street that hasn’t changed much in twenty years.

“Were you surprised that everything’s the same?” Calum asks.

“Hmm?” Luke purses his lips and then catches where Calum is looking, “Oh, a bit. I thought you guys would at least have a Mcdonald’s by now.”

“They tried to start one here, but too many of the local business owners got mad. They shut it down.”

“That’s good,”Luke says, “It’s nice, like I’ve never left. Almost as if the last twenty years didn’t happen and I get a redo.” Luke says, leaning back as he chews on a hunk of crust.

It’s laughable to Calum, the idea that the last twenty years didn’t happen. His life happened in the last twenty years. When Luke left, the best bits about Calum were packed in Luke’s bags. So now Calum has his kids, they’re his life, the best thing about him. They’re his past twenty years.

“This is probably weird,” Luke continues, shifting forward and lowering his voice, “But it feels like I’ve lived two lives. Like, one here and one in California,” a sad smile colors Luke’s face, “one with you and one with a lot of mistakes.”

“Sure you’re not talking about the same thing?” Calum smirks.

An honest, open expression colors Luke’s face, “No. I didn’t make any mistakes with you Calum.”

Calum swallows a bite of pizza hard, “I don’t know about that.”

Luke’s expression falls, replaced by something guarded, “I’m sorry I left, but I’m trying to make it better.”

Calum’s eyes land on Luke’s chest and he feels like he’s looking through him. That’s not what Calum had meant. Calum’s thoughts had been somewhere else entirely but his minds already pushed them back and into the recycling bin. Calum learned a long time ago that when that happens, he shouldn’t dwell too long on what his mind didn’t want him to remember, for his own sake.

Calum looks up at Luke’s face. He remembers Ashton telling him to have fun. Calum clears his throat, “Do you want to come play soccer with us on Saturday?” Luke blinks and waits for Calum to elaborate, “A whole bunch of us get together with our kids and play the first Saturday of the month. Mikey will be there, if you haven’t seen him yet.”

Luke’s body appears to expand with warmth, vulnerability and hope peeking out from behind the walls between them, “Yeah, sure. I’d love to see Mikey again.”

“He’ll be glad to see you too,” Calum assures, standing up with his trash.

“Just text me the details, yeah?” Luke says following behind Calum with his trash. Luke, after tossing his garbage, walks to Nick, waving, “Hey Nick.”

“Luke! Good to see you again man,” Nick shakes Luke’s hand enthusiastically.

They fall into a conversation, updating each other while Calum stands there, already knowing most of what they bring up. He decides to go out to the car, check his emails on his phone while he waits for Luke.

Calum leans into Luke, purely on autopilot. His hand skims up Luke’s back and lands on Luke’s lower rib cage. Calum’s lips settle an inch from Luke’s ear, “I’ll be in the car.”

Luke shivers, nodding his head and turning to look at Calum. Calum is already backing away, heading out to his car.

Calum sits in his driver’s seat, leaning his head back against the headrest. He puts his hands between his thighs, silently cursing himself for being so comfortable with Luke. They’re not twenty anymore. They can’t walk down the street with their arms tucked around each other like they did back then.

Calum watches as Luke holds the door open for a woman and says a few words to her. She responds and Luke laughs. Calum can still feel the indents of Luke’s ribs on his hand.

Calum frowns. Maybe he needs to stop overthinking this. Maybe he needs to give into the fact Luke is here now. Luke, who Calum can’t stop himself from touching when they’re in the same room, has never been able to stop touching. Luke, who leans into Calum every chance he can get. Luke, the only person who without a doubt can make Calum laugh without trying.

With a heavy certainty, Calum knows he’s forgiven Luke. It’s time for Calum to start showing it.

Luke slides into the passenger seat, not nearly as much like an awkward deer as before. He smiles at Calum.

“Do you want to grab drinks again, later?” Calum asks, “Or ice cream or something?” It’s a peace offering. An ‘I’m in this if you’re in this’ gesture that keeps Calum’s breath locked in his chest until Luke responds.

Luke nods his head once and then adds, “Yeah, of course.”

“Good,” Calum turns back to the wheel, pulling the car back and spinning the volume dial so Green Day fills the car.

*****

“You guys ready?” Calum looks in the rearview mirror at Adam and Nikki.

“Chill Dad,” Adam says. Calum can’t remember when ‘sassy’ became a word he would use to describe his son, but he likes it.

“Yeah Dad,” Nikki continues, rolling her sleeves up, “It’s not a big deal.”

Calum turns in his seat, catching sight of Ava hiding a smile in his periphery. He frowns at them, over exaggerated with a squinted glare, “You don’t even know.” At that Ava lets out her laugh.

“Luke knows more embarrassing stories about your father than anyone, so be excited for that at least,” Ava puts a hand on Calum’s shoulder and pulls him back, “I shouldn’t be more than a few hours, call if you want to leave earlier.”

“Aren’t you going to say hi to Luke before you head up?” Calum asks, puzzled.

Ava grins and pats Calum’s shoulder, “After you guys play. Don’t want to overload him all at once.”

“Ok, then have fun,” he kisses her quickly and she gets out of the car. Faith, Ashton’s wife, is waiting so they can go into town for a girl’s day out. Ashton’s leaning against the door of his van, tying up his sneakers while his twin boys dribble a soccer ball on the field.

For years, as soon as the weather got nice enough, Ashton, Calum, and Mikey would tote their kids down to the fields at the high school on the first Saturday of the month to play soccer. They’d supplement their teams with friends from work and neighbors. These monthly soccer games had forged a friendly bond between all the players, adults and kids. Nikki had decided to join her school’s team to chase the connection, hoping to find it amongst some of the girls her age.

Luke is standing with Mikey and his wife Laura in the middle of the field. Mikey had moved to town when they were freshmen in high school. Calum had immediately liked him, but it’d taken a year for Mikey to warm up to Luke. Based on their postures now, Calum thinks they’re going to be okay.

Adam and Nikki each exit from their respective sides. Adam immediately runs over to join the twins. Nikki stands by Calum’s door, waiting for Calum to get out.

“The guy with the blonde hair?” she asks, arms crossed and hip popped.

Calum hops out of the car and they start their walk onto the field, “Yep. Best friend I’ve ever had.”

“How come we’ve never heard of him before?”

Calum looks at Luke. He’s wearing high tops instead of sneakers and their senior year homecoming shirt. He laughs at something Mikey says and Calum can feel it on his skin. He looks down at Nikki, “I missed him so I didn’t want to talk about him. Like how we don’t talk about Rigley with Adam.” Nikki nods in understanding. Rigley was their old dog who had died when Adam was eight. Every time Adam sees an old picture of their beloved lost pet, he retreats to his room.

“Adam!” Calum calls back to his son, mid pass. Adam looks to Calum and the ball rolls past his foot. Calum waves him over and Adam runs to catch up.

“Good morning!” Laura waves at them all. Mikey barely acknowledges them, absorbed in what Luke is saying. Luke looks over and stops mid sentence, unable to look away from Nikki and Adam.

Calum steps up to Luke and throws his arm around Luke’s shoulder, crooking his arm around Luke’s neck, partly out of instinct and partly due to the adrenaline running in his veins. Calum’s more than a little nervous about introducing three of the most important people in his life, “Nikki, Adam, this is your Uncle Luke.”

“Uh,” Luke turns his head and his nose almost skims over Calum’s cheek, “just Luke, I’m not their uncle.”

“You don’t want to be my kids’ uncle?” Calum asks, faux hurt, trying to force a laugh from one of them. He needs one of them to smile, to assure him this is a good idea.

“They don’t even know me,” Luke maneuvers out of Calum’s grip but stays close, “And we’re not brothers.” Luke shoves Calum, small smile on his lips, and Calum relaxes. Luke holds his hand out to Nikki, “Nice to meet you.”

“Hi,” Nikki shakes his hand and Luke turns to do the same with Adam. Adam looks puzzled but takes his turn shaking Luke’s hand.

“So you’re Aunt Liz’s son?” Adam asks.

“Yes.” Luke drops Adam’s hand and smiles.

“How come you never visit her?” Adam asks, brows furrowed Calum swallows hard. He should’ve talked to Adam before, he’s known for his lack of a filter.

Luke runs a hand through his hair, “Uh, I live really far away. It was easier for us to talk on the phone. But now I’m here for awhile, trying to make it up to her.” Adam, content with the answer, nods his head once.

“So,” Nikki interjects, “I was promised embarrassing stories about Dad.”

Luke grins and turns to Calum, “I’ve got a lot of those.”

Calum darts forward and places his hands lightly over Nikki’s ears, “I’m not letting you embarrass me in front of my children.”

“I guess I won’t tell them about the time you serenaded Jessica Winters in front of the entire eighth grade,” Luke tries to keep back a laugh with a smug expression. Calum could kiss him. He forces the impulse down.

“Wait, Winters? As in Mrs. Collback’s maiden name?” Nikki removes Calum’s hands from her ears and turns to question him. Calum shoots a glare at Luke which is enough answer for Adam and Nikki who immediately break out into giggles.

“You had a crush on Mrs. Collback!” Adam falls to the ground and rolls with the laughter.

“Come on guys!” Ashton calls, waving them over to the group of their mismatched friends. Adam and Nikki run to stand near their friends. Calum drops into step beside Luke.

“I’ll get you for that,” Calum mumbles.

“I know,” Luke grins. Calum nudges Luke with his elbow and Luke looks like the sun.

Ashton and Mikey step up to be captains, Mikey losing the coin toss. The picking goes back and forth until Luke and Calum get separated between the two teams. Mikey puts Luke as goalkeeper. Calum mourns the lost chance to see Luke fall on his butt from slipping on the dewy grass mid run.

“I’ve got forward,” Calum says to his team, gathered in a loose circle.

“What? You always play holding midfield,” Ashton questions. It’s true. Calum likes to have decent control of the game, especially when there are more adults than kids, like there are today.

“Thought we could mix things up,” Calum shrugs. The rest of his teams strategizes and breaks. He runs out to his position.

Game play starts and Calum runs to a spot right near Luke. Luke is standing in the center of the goal, holding onto the bar casually as play sticks to the other side of the field.

“What are you doing back here?” Luke asks as Calum approaches.

“Playing soccer,” Calum responds.

“No, you like the middle, where all the action is,” Luke points to where Nikki is passing to Gina, Laura’s friend.

“I’m getting too old for that,” Calum angles his body so he can watch for the ball and talk to Luke.

“I think you just wanted to be near me,” Luke says, smug.

Calum reaches out to swat Luke’s unprotected stomach, “You can’t prove that.”

Luke’s face slides into a triumphant smile. Calum ignores the tugging in his spine, pulling him closer to Luke.

One of the twins hits the ball out of the other half of the field. He must have been aiming for Calum but the ball ends up on the other side of the goal from him. Calum takes off to knab it, but Luke follows him, picking up his pace to pass Calum.

“You’re the goalie!” Calum throws an arm out to slow Luke, “Lucas!” Luke, laughing the whole time, swerves around Calum’s arm. Calum has no choice.

Calum takes two fast steps and launches onto Luke’s back. He locks his arms around Luke’s neck and Luke, as if his muscles still carry the memories, reaches back to grab Calum’s legs.

“You’ve gotten heavier,” Luke grumbles as he slows to get to the ball.

“It’s all muscle,” Calum slide off his back but keeps his arms around Luke’s neck, trying to get his feet in front of Luke as they approach the ball. The rest of their teammates are laughing behind them, not wanting to get involved in the tussle.

Luke gets his arms around Calum’s belly and their pushing and pulling each other, trying to get the upper hand. A laugh rips itself from Calum’s throat and bounces off Luke’s cheek.

Calum reaches a foot out and, barely, passes the ball to Adam, “Get it while he’s out of the goal!” Calum latches his arms together and then lets his body fall like a deadweight draped around Luke.

Calum watches as Adam dribbles the ball, clear of any defenders, and takes the shot at the open goal. It hits the back of the net and everyone on their team cheers loudly. Adam turns with a bright smile on his face. He runs to the other members of his team. They give him warm cheers and high fives.

Calum finds his legs and removes one arm from Luke, keeping the other around his neck. Luke keeps a palm on the small of Calum’s back. Calum watches Adam get back into the game and Luke asks, “What?”

“That was his first goal,” the words crack Calum’s face. He’s overjoyed and proud of his son, but it’s matched with underlying panic that his youngest is growing up.

Luke slides the hand up to Calum’s shoulder blade, pressing his thumb into Calum’s spine, “He’s a good kid.”

Calum keeps watching. Adam bounces around the field, wearing the sneakers he’s had since last summer. He’d begged for them, using the ‘everybody has them’ whine. Calum had given him chores to earn the money. When Adam had finally piled all his money together and found he had enough, they had driven to the shoe store. Adam’s face when he handed the cashier the wrinkled bills in a neat pile is tattooed in Calum’s memory.

“Are you coming to the barbeque later?” Calum asks.

“Mhm,” Luke confirms, a gentle hum next to Calum, “Mom taught me how to make coleslaw.” Calum laughs and lets Luke go. Luke gets the memo a second later, fingers trailing off Calum’s back.

“Good, but you’re only allowed in my house if I can score against you!” Calum calls as he runs to a position where he’ll be able to help out play.

“Looks like I’m not coming over then!” Luke yells back as he steps back into goal.

Calum scores three times by the end of the game. Luke is too easy to read.

*****

Calum sighs. He hadn’t slept well last night. He’d gone home from work and had dinner with his family, then threw on some clothes to meet Luke out at Ronnie’s. Luke had called as he was stepping out the door, saying Liz wasn’t feeling well and that he wanted to stay with her. Calum had gone to sleep with a dry mouth, afraid for Liz’s life. That’s the story he repeated in his head, ignoring the light sweat all over his body. Somewhere deep inside, though, he’s honest with himself and he knows his mild panic is over the idea of Luke leaving.

Calum stares at his agenda. He crosses off the sales team meeting, he’d sat through that this morning. He’s responded to all his emails and called the tech experts about the new updates on the industrial printers. All that’s left for his afternoon is client calls and file updates.

There are two sharp rap ons the door before Luke pushes it open.

“Thank god, I need a break,” Calum says when Luke steps into the room.

Luke grins, “I won’t be too long, I’m just looking for those old I-90s I had in here yesterday. I can’t find them.” He steps to the side of Calum’s desk, his secondary work station. Over the past two weeks of Luke’s employment, he’s slowly converted the large right half of Calum’s desk into his own station. Calum even stole an old office chair from storage to encourage it. He gets lonely.

“Are they in here?” Calum pulls out one of the top drawers. He’d cleared it out and put Luke’s important looking papers away last night. It’s better use for it than Calum’s surplus pens and extra paper.

Luke looks up and sends Calum a smug grin, “You made a drawer for me? I don’t know if I’m ready for this kind of commitment Calum.”

“Shut up,” Calum turns back to his own files.

“You’re a great guy, but it’s only been a few weeks. I can’t accurately tell if we can share a workspace yet.” Luke props himself on the edge of Calum’s desk and puts a hand on Calum’s shoulder.

“I don’t know about you, but some of us have actual work to do right now,” Calum looks up at Luke, “So if you’d shut up so I can make a call, that’s be great.”

Luke shakes his head, the action far too fond. Calum grabs his phone and turns his back to Luke, dialing the number of his first client. Their secretary picks up on the second ring. “Martin Reed’s office.”

“Hi. Can you tell him Calum Hood from Jacobsen’s is calling?” Calum is on autopilot for the phone call, more aware of Luke’s arm reaching over the phone wire and grabbing a stack of post-its from Calum’s desk.

“One moment please,” the secretary responds.

Luke slaps a post-it to Calum’s forehead and slides off the desk, stack of papers in hand. He turns to wave as he leaves. Calum scrunches his nose up at Luke. Luke smiles back before closing the door behind him.

“Calum?” a voice says over the phone.

“Marty, how are you today?” Calum slides into business mode, quickly taking the post-it off his face and setting it writing-side down next to his keyboard.

After Calum has hung up the phone, he turns to the post-it note, flipping it over.

_Sorry about yesterday, tonight instead? drinks on me Yes/No_

Calum chuckles, circling the Yes and sticking the note back onto his forehead. He pull out his cellphone and snaps a selfie.

The post-it note is easy to read, the Yes circled in thick black marker. Calum had been going for disapproving with his facial expression, but he has the same problem as Luke. His face can’t hide his feelings so he looks more excited than anything in the selfie. Calum attaches the photo to his thread with Luke and hits send. There’s no need to hide anything from Luke.

*****

“Where is everybody?” Calum yells out as he steps through his front door.

“In here!” Nikki calls from the kitchen. Calum sets his briefcase down by the stairs and toes off his shoes. Sage, their black lab, comes tottering into the hallway and follows Calum into their open kitchen.

“What are you guys up to?” Calum ruffles Adam’s hair and kisses Nikki’s cheek. Ava smiles at him as he walks around the counter to give her a kiss too. He wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her tight to his body. She tries to hold onto the melon baller in her hand and not get watermelon juice on his suit. She squeals when he pinches her waist.

Calum loosens his grip so she can regain her balance. She answers, “We’re making dessert for dinner tonight.”

Calum looks at the kitchen set up. Ava is the only one doing work, Nikki has her laptop open, playing music. Adam is reading a book. Calum can’t believe Adam is his child sometimes.

“It looks to me, like you’re doing that and our lazy children aren’t helping,” Calum says the last few words pointedly.

“Honestly, I’m just happy they’re in here,” Ava says with a smirk directed at the kids.

“Adam,” Calum says. When Adam looks up, Calum sneaks his hand into the beautiful cornucopia of fruit that Ava has made and grabs a few, “Catch.”

Adam grins and darts out of his chair, standing about ten feet away, jaw dropped.

“Eww, dad, you haven’t even washed your hands yet!” Nikki points out.

“A few germs never hurt anyone,” Calum says as he lines up his shot.

“Tell that to the people who die from curable diseases,” Adam says right when Calum makes the shot. The cube of pineapple bounces off Adam’s cheek. Calum, Ava, and Nikki crack up. Adam, in retaliation, hops up onto a barstool. He leans over the island and grabs a hand full of fruit balls. He looks Calum straight in the eye before throwing them.

There was a time when Calum would’ve stood up and reprimanded Adam for that. Calum would’ve sent Adam to his room for the rest of the night and complained about having to get his suit cleaned. That Calum would not have thrown fruit at his child either, probably wouldn’t have kissed his wife hello. That Calum hadn’t seen his best friend in almost twenty years.

But there’s a new energy buzzing under Calum’s skin, and he’s not so naive as to think Luke has nothing to do with it. Calum’s default face is now a smile and laughs come easier. This Calum, this new and improved, refreshed Calum with fruit globs on his tie, falls to the floor and pretends to be wounded.

“He got me! Nikki! Avenge my death!” Calum calls, curled up with his head on Ava’s bare foot. He presses a kiss to her ankle. She gently bops his shoulder with her other foot.

“Wait,” Ava says. Calum can’t see but surely Nikki has her hand poised over the fruit bowl, “Only if you three clean it up. And make sure you leave some for dinner.” She tries to be stern but her smile peeks through. She ducks to the floor as Calum stands up and launches a piece of watermelon at Nikki.  

*****

An hour later, after scrubbing the kitchen of fruit bits, showering, eating dinner, and taking the kids out for ice cream, Calum settles onto the couch in the living room. He groans with how good lying back feels. He’s so tired.

“Dad?” Nikki plops down next to him, tucking her feet under her.

“Yes love?” he says, turning his full attention to her. She shrinks back, nervous.

“My birthday is coming up soon…” she says quietly.

“Is this about your permit?” Calum asks. Nikki wants to go on the day of her birthday to get her permit. She’s taken classes online, studying for the test. Calum had been encouraging her to wait, saying she’d be more likely to pass with more time. The real reason is his inability to accept the fact his baby girl is old enough to get behind the wheel of a car.

“Yes, but Dad, I’m ready. I can do it. And after I get my permit, I’ll only drive with you-”

“Nikki,” Calum reaches an arm out to rest his hand on her shoulder, “love, we can get your permit. It’s fine, I’ll take you. You’ve still got a month though, okay?”

Nikki looks at him with wide eyes, “Really?”

Calum smiles, “Yes, it’s June. Your birthday isn’t until July.”

She pouts and slaps his arm lightly, “You’re not funny. But you’ll take me? Can we sign a contract or something?”

Calum barks out a laugh, “Sure, draw one up.” She smiles and sits back against the arm of the chair. He props his feet up on the ottoman, “Did I ever tell you about the time Luke and I drove around the fields next to the McCarthy farms with our permits?”

“No,” she says softly.

“Well, we both had our permits but no one would ever take us driving. So we decided, when Grandma and Aunt Liz went to the city one day, to take our car up to the fields. It was broad daylight but back then our street was only a mile away from the fields,” Calum chuckles, “we had convinced ourselves that two permits were the same as one license.” Nikki shakes her head with disbelief. Calum continues, “So we go to this field and we’re driving around, practicing turns and parking, nothing crazy because we didn’t want to break the car.” Calum runs a hand through his hair, picturing the scene, Luke sitting in the passenger’s seat and laughing loudly as Calum tried doing a three point turn in his mom’s Chevy in the middle of the field, “The police saw us and stopped the car. Luke almost pissed his pants,” Calum squawks at the memory, “they didn’t even tell our parents, just got in the car and helped us learn how to drive. Next time I got in the driver’s seat with your grandfather, he was shocked I knew how to drive so well.”

Nikki is quiet. Her lips are set in a straight line but her eyes are bright. Calum wants to know what she’s thinking about, “You good Nik?”

“Yeah,” she nods, drawing her knees up and hugging them, “I’m glad Mr. Hemmings came back.”

“It’s Luke,” Calum insists before conceding, “Me too.”

“You seem happier. Like, you smile more and laugh a lot. It’s nice,” she buries her face from the nose down into her knees. Her eyes look wise on her young face.

Footsteps come up behind the couch and a hand rests on Calum’s shoulder, “It is nice.” Calum relaxes his head against Ava’s arm, “I’m going to bed, wanted to say good night.”

“I’ll head up with you,” he says, struggling to his feet with a grumble, “Don’t stay up to late Nik,” Calum kisses the top of her head before following Ava up the stairs.

“I won’t!” Nikki calls back after them, the click of the TV turning on right after.

Calum and Ava’s bedroom isn’t huge, but it’s comfortable. They have an en suite bathroom and a walk in closet. The bed is covered in soft sheets and memories hang in picture frames on the walls.

“She’s right, you know,” Ava says as she unbraids her auburn hair, “You’ve been different, happier since he’s been back. I forgot how happy you made each other.”

Calum strips down to his boxers, “Well, he’s my best friend.”

“I thought I was your best friend.”

“So did Ashton, but you were both wrong!” He points with triumph into the air and falls back on to their bed. He needs to brush his teeth, “It was Luke Hemmings all along.”

The room falls silent. Calum looks up to see Ava frowning as she takes off her make up. He furrows his brow, it was supposed to be a joke. Apparently Ava believes him.

“Ava-”

“I remember you know, the day when he left,” Ava throws the dirtied wipe into a trash bin next to their dresser and pulls out another towelette, “I thought, up until I was waiting to walk down the aisle, that you’d cancel our wedding if Luke wasn’t there to be your best man.”

Calum swallows. He stands up and walks to be beside Ava. He puts a hand on her back, “I wasn’t going to let him ruin our day.”

Ava rubs a hand down her face, now clear of her neat make up, “Calum, that’s a lie. You could barely keep a smile on your face the whole day, like you were waiting for him to pop through the door in a tux with our rings.”

She’s right. Calum spent the entire day of his wedding looking over his shoulder for Luke. His life had been him and Luke, always. Now, looking back, Calum can see it’s for the best that he began his life with Ava without Luke right next to him. His feelings would have been muddled.

Ava continues, “And I’m happy he’s back, it’s like you’re 25 again. He gives you some new energy. I’m just scared that when he leaves again you’re going to get even more upset.” She turns to him, resting her palm on his bare chest, “My kids are finally getting a glimpse of the man I fell in love with, I don’t want that to be taken away with Luke when he goes.”

“It won’t,” he whispers solemnly, bringing her closer. He leans down to kiss her, an action so familiar yet sparkling new. He pushes it down, the knowledge that this change in behavior comes from having Luke’s number on speed dial, where it belongs. He focuses on his wife, his partner for the past two decades. Her body wraps around his.

When he falls asleep, he dreams of the day he’d asked Luke to be his best man. Luke’s face had fallen before he had stuttered out _no_. In his dreams, the frame freezes on Luke’s down trodden face. Calum wakes up with the grimace plastered across his own face.

*****

“You’ve done well for yourself,” Luke says. It’s inspired by Calum’s back yard, stretching in front of them. Ava has worked diligently over the years to plant beautiful rows of flowers. Beyond is an acre of land, lined by trees. It all belongs to Calum.

“Sure, maybe, but I feel like a stereotype sometimes. Beautiful wife, two kids, retirement fund. Seems like a cliche.” Calum grabs another piece of pizza.

“No, it’s nice. Settled.” Luke looks out at Calum’s back yard, fields and trees stretching out into the distance.

Ava had taken the kids to her sister’s house in Niagara Falls for a few days while Calum stayed back. They’d be home midday on Sunday. Luke and Calum had decided to make the most of their Friday night, taking over Calum’s porch.

“I guess,” Calum says, as he eats. It’s dusk, the sky open in front of them and the night settling in.

“Remember that time,” Luke starts and Calum turns to him, “We went to that pond down near the high school?”

“Yeah,” Calum smiles. The wind whispers around them and the world feels like it’s a part of their conversation. The thin row of trees behind Calum’s property block out the noise of the town beyond them.

“We were awful back then. Can you imagine finding Nikki or Adam doing some of the stuff we did?”

“They’d never be allowed out of the house again,” Calum confirms. Luke mirrors the smile Calum offers.

Calum sits back in his seat and turns his head to Luke, “They say I’m happier with you back. The kids think I’m more fun with you here, Ava says it’s like the clock has turned back twenty years.”

Luke taps the porch with his toe, a joking lilt to his voice, “Always knew I was your better half.”

“Maybe you are,” Calum takes a sip of his beer as Luke turns wide eyes on him. The wind picks up and the pizza box starts to slide on the table, “You cold?”

“No,” Luke answers, mussing his hair even more.

“Ok.”

Calum looks at Luke; the way his legs cross at the ankle stretched out in front of him and his hair still seems to defy gravity. He’s wearing one of Calum’s old soccer sweatshirts from high school, one Calum hasn’t seen in years. Luke had pulled it out of his trunk earlier, wearing the HOOD across his back with pride. Calum hadn’t asked why Luke took it. He knows why. Calum’s got his fair share of Luke’s old clothes in a storage bin in the back of his closet for the same reason.

Calum looks down at his hands on the beer bottle. It feels like they’re hovering around something that they’re both too afraid of to acknowledge. When he’s alone, Calum skirts around it in his head, knowing it’s right there. Luke is right there.

It’s come to the point where Calum can’t avoid it. The automatic mechanism in his head that normally burn the thoughts has stopped working and now he dwells on them. He’ll be lying in bed next to Ava but his heart will be with Luke. Calum’s exhausted of avoiding something that’s hanging so obviously in between them. Luke is wearing Calum’s sweatshirt and it ties Calum’s stomach in knots.

“Why did you leave?” Calum says confidently, his voice betraying his inner chaos.

Luke glances at him, opening his mouth to give a joke as a response. Something in Calum’s face, or maybe it’s the tension in the air, stops the words. Luke holds Calum’s gaze for a moment before laughing.

It starts out as a chuckle, Luke burying his eyes in his palm and leaning heavily onto the arm of the chair. It escalates, turning into a noise that rips out of Luke and quickly turns ragged, almost sounding like a sob. It stops as quickly as it began.

Calum wants to touch, reach out to smooth over the bone in Luke’s knees, but it’s not the time for that. Luke swallows and looks up at Calum, finding a shred of confidence.

“Because I couldn’t watch you get married,” _To someone else!_ the trees seem to yell, finishing the statement for Luke.

Calum looks to the sky. The sun has disappeared and now the only sight is orange claws, fighting against the dark night sky. Stars peek through the blanket of ivory over the house.

“This is shit,” Calum starts, his voice thick in his throat. His chest feels tight.

“Calum-”

“Can you imagine if we were born now?,” Calum covers up Luke’s frantic apologies, “If we could’ve grown up now, we could’ve done some crazy shit, Luke. We could’ve crash landed remote control airplanes in town, right at people’s feet. Could’ve recorded all those songs we wrote together on laptops and edited them all by ourselves,” Calum stares out at the skyline. The words race out of his mouth before he can catch them, “We could’ve held hands around town and no one would have cared.” Luke’s breath catches next to him, but Calum can’t stop, “I could’ve kissed you every time I wanted to instead of telling myself it was wrong to want that. We could’ve-” the words catch in Calum’s throat and he can’t breathe, picturing all the things he and Luke could’ve done. Woken up next to each other every day, shopped for cereal on the weekends, kissed on the sidewalk.

“Calum,” Luke’s voice is weak. Calum turns to see Luke’s hands tucked in his lap and a single tear track down his left cheek. Calum reaches out and wipes it away with the pad of his thumb.

“We could’ve done so many things Luke, so many things,” Calum’s fingers trail down until he’s pinching Luke’s chin in between his thumb and forefinger. Luke’s lips are loose, so close.

Luke reaches up and takes Calum’s hand in his, pulling Calum’s hand down to his lap. Luke laces their fingers together, gripping Calum’s hand in both of his, his long fingers wrapping around Calum’s. They look at the pile in Luke’s lap, not daring to look at at each other.

Calum leans back in his chair and looks out to the tree line. They don’t speak, hands clasped together, as the sun loses grip of the sky and night takes over.

*****

There are only a few minutes left of the movie and Calum doesn’t know how to talk to Luke anymore.

The night before, they’d stayed out on the porch until the crickets screeched and the mosquitos forced them inside. Luke had taken the guest room on the bottom floor while Calum climbed the steps to the master. They didn’t speak besides mumbled good nights.

That morning, Calum had woken up and put on his jeans and a t-shirt, lacing up his sneakers in his room. He’d tiptoed down the stairs, sneaking a glance at Luke through the cracked open guest room door. Luke was curled up on his side, back to Calum, shoulders gently rising and falling. Calum ran out the door and walked the three miles to the center of town, grabbing coffee, groceries, and some flowers for Ava when she got back. He spotted one of his neighbors at the grocery store and caught a ride back with her.

When Calum walked through his door, Luke was sitting in the living room, aimlessly watching TV. When he had seen Calum, he’d held up the the Star Wars box set and had suggested a marathon. They’d done the full marathon more times than they could count. Calum had sprawled on the couch next to Luke and put on the first movie.

Ten hours later, Calum is exhausted and never eating pizza again. Luke and he had moved closer together, reciting favorite lines and making jokes about the movies. Luke’s arm is over Calum’s shoulder and Calum’s leaned back into Luke’s hold, forehead hitting Luke’s temple. The movie is ending in four minutes.

Calum has so many things he wants to say to Luke. He wants to apologize, for not being as strong as Luke to acknowledge a part of himself he was ashamed of. He wants to ask Luke to stay, that no matter what happens, tells Luke that he’ll always have a home in this town. Calum wants to laugh and reminisce but he feels like his body is vibrating with nervous energy.  

The TV flicks to the credits and Calum doesn’t have any words left.

“The flowers you got Ava are pretty,” Luke says, fingers running up and down Calum’s upper arm.

“I thought she’d like them,” Calum says, not needing to say that they’re partially to help him ease the guilt in his gut.

They fall into silence. Calum enjoys the heat of Luke’s breath against his hair and the comforting pattern his fingers traces on his skin.

“It’s getting late,” Luke finally says, “We should probably…”

“Yeah,” Calum sits forward, tugging Luke up with him. They stand together, Luke’s hand held in Calum’s palm and faces close, like magnets who can’t touch but are wholly affected by each other.

“G’night Lukey,” Calum steps back and heads to the stairs.

“G’night Cal,” Luke whispers behind him, stepping toward the guest room.

Calum is halfway up the stairs when he stops. He can hear Luke walking around in the room downstairs, steps away but years and years apart. Calum squeezes the banister once before turning around and heading to the guest room door.

It’s cracked open, almost an invitation, but Calum knocks on the door jamb.

“Yeah?” Luke says from inside.

“Can I come in?” Calum rests his head against the cool wood of the trim.

“It’s your house,” Luke says, as if this is funnier than it feels.

Calum pushes open the door and Luke is lying in bed, phone in his hand but forgotten as he looks up at Calum.

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” Calum says, quiet so the walls won’t hear.

Luke looks unsure, “Is that a good idea?”

Calum loses his grip for a moment, clutching onto the door handle, “Please?”

Luke scans his eyes down Calum’s body, seeming to take inventory on his emotional state, “Okay.” Luke scooches over in the bed and leaves space for Calum to get in. The air feels heavy in between them. In twenty four hours, Calum’s body has gone from practically floating to dragged down, trudging through the air. He had thought this would be easier.

It’s not the first time they’ve shared a bed. Calum has stripped to his boxers in front of Luke before, but Luke never stared so blatantly. Calum has slipped under Luke’s blanket before, but there was normally more laughter involved. Calum’s been in love with Luke before, all of his life really, but it never felt this tangible.

They keep a light on, faces turned to each other on separate pillows. Calum remembers staring across the sheets at Luke when they were twelve years old. Calum had snuck up to Luke’s room one night and they’d read comic books until three in the morning. Calum had watched Luke slip into sleep in the light from the street lamps outside Luke’s childhood bedroom window.

Luke swallows and grabs Calum’s hand, resting in the no man’s land in between them, “I always used to think nothing could come between us. It’d just be you and me for the rest of our lives. I tried,” Luke swallows, “I tried to be with girls and I pretended that I wanted to be with them instead of you, for years. And I thought it would all work out, just you and me, but,” Luke runs his finger over Calum’s wedding ring, “You told me about wanting to marry Ava and I was so-” Luke’s words pull against  his lips, “I couldn’t stay after that. I couldn’t watch-”

“I love her Luke,” Calum needs to say it, put it out there so they both know, “I love her, and the kids, so much.”

“I know,” Luke reaches forward to touch Calum’s jaw, “I can tell.”

“I love them but they’re right,” the words fall heavy from Calum’s tongue onto Luke’s hand, “I’m happier with you here.”

Luke nods his head into the pillow. He closes his eyes, “This is so fucked up.”

Calum pouts. It is. It’s fucked up and messy and he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to look his wife in the eye tomorrow. But it’s theirs. He wouldn't change this. Luke’s brought him back to life.

“I’m so glad you came back,” Calum breathes and Luke’s eyes open, scanning Calum’s face for a joke or sarcasm. Luke's eyes widen when he sees Calum's honesty.

Luke tugs on Calum’s hand, pulling it around his body. He turns his back to Calum, dragging Calum’s arm across him. Calum curls up behind Luke, fitting snugly behind him as Luke grips Calum’s arm tightly to his chest, as if it were his own personal security blanket.

“So glad you’re back,” Calum nuzzles into the hair at the back of Luke’s head and drops a slow kiss to the nape of Luke’s neck. Luke shivers against Calum.

Calum waits until Luke’s breathing has steadied before trying to drop asleep himself.

*****

Calum gets a text from Luke, _outside_ , and lifts himself up from the couch, “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He waves goodbye to Adam and Nikki, sprawled on the floor playing video games. It’s not too late, only eight, but they already look like they’re dropping off. A rainy, windy day like today will do that.

Calum heads to the front hall to slip on his shoes and a rain coat. It’s only drizzling now, but he likes the coat and doesn’t wear it often.

“Where you going?” Ava asks, over his shoulder. She’s smiling but her shoulders are in a tense line.

“Drinks with the guys,” Calum answers, staring down as he ties his laces.

“Again?” Ava asks, walking to stand next to him, “I can’t remember you ever going out this much.” It’s followed by a forced laugh.

Calum shrugs, “I don’t know, I went out a lot before Mikey got married.”

Ava frowns, “You don’t have to lie to me.”

Calum swallows dry, “I’m not-”

“Calum,” Ava whispers. She glances over her shoulder to see the kids in a vicious race on Mario Kart, “Come on.”

Ava pulls him out to the porch. Luke’s car waits at the end of the long driveway. Calum watches her spot the car, a big used SUV Luke bought for his stay here. Ava’s eyes widen then calm. She lets out a sigh.

“I know, Calum,” Ava says, as if she’s treading lightly, “it’s ok.”

“What?” Calum breathes.

Ava shakes her head and crosses her arms in the chill, blocking her body from the breeze, “I’m not blind, I don’t know exactly what’s going on but I remember,” she can’t meet Calum’s eyes, “I remember how you two looked at each other.”

“Ava-” Calum starts but she holds out a hand.

“And I still married you, ok?” her voice is controlled around the words, “And maybe that makes me selfish, for marrying you when I knew-” she bites her lip. The air feels heavy on Calum’s skin. He feels as if he’s shrinking, staring at where her teeth hold her lip.

A car door opening breaks through the gentle patter of rain. Calum and Ava flick their heads to see Luke getting out of his car. His hair starts to flatten around his face as water runs through it. Luke’s face is a mask of concern.

Ava raises a hand to wave at Luke, a sad smile on her face. Luke returns the favor. She turns back to Calum, “Look, I trust you. I trust that you’re a good man and you’ll do right by me and the kids. But I get it, and it’s alright,” Her hand curls into a loose fist on her chest, “but don’t lie to me. Secrets are not a part of our marriage. And I know, Calum, I know. So don’t hide it.”

Calum can’t do anything but nod, no words left on his tongue. He leans forward to try and kiss her goodbye, a ritual motion, but she rests a hand on his chest, applying light pressure to keep him back.

“Not in front of him,” she whispers. Her eyes dart once more to Luke, still standing in the rain, before she smiles at Calum and walks back inside. Calum stares after her, his body working on digesting her words.

Calum steps out of the moment and walks to Luke’s car, steps lighter in the puddles on the driveway. Luke’s face is still drawn when Calum reaches the car and launches himself into the passenger seat. Luke ducks down a second later and turns up the heat in the car.

“What just happened?” Luke sounds petrified.

“I think-” Calum starts and takes a breath, “I think she gave me permission.”

“To what?” Luke answers, backing out of the driveway. When Luke puts the car into drive, Calum reaches for his hand on the gear shift and interlocks their fingers. Luke’s eyes flick between their hands and Calum’s face a few times before he gets it, eyes widening in shock.

“Oh,” is all he says.

“Yeah, oh,” Calum responds. He even smiles, not able to help it. Luke manages to send one back.

Luke drives down to the creek. There’s a boat launch there, for fishers, and a parking area. There’s no one there, expected at this time of night in this weather. Luke backs the car up to the edge of a ledge that looks over the creek and into the surrounding forest.

“Nice choice,” Calum says, remembering the times they’d ride their bikes out here to swim on the hottest days of summer. Calum brought Adam and Nikki down here a few times when they were young. He'd stopped, not wanting to see the ghost memories of his youth running in the stream. 

“Thanks,” Luke says. He pushes open his door and heads to the trunk, hitting the button to open it on the way out. Calum follows, a laugh spreading through his chest and breaking free of his lips.

They clamor into the trunk, dripping slightly from the rain. Luke has the back seats folded down so there’s enough space to spread out. Calum throws one of Luke’s duffle bags, still unpacked, and pads it against the back seat. Calum adjusts to get a good view of the creek. Luke lies back, his head landing high on Calum’s chest and his feet stretching out so they barely hang over the edge of the car. Calum drapes an arm around Luke’s side, palm over the curve of his belly. They’re bodies fit together, years of practice in small spaces and expressing their feelings by putting hands on each others’ bodies.

“I heard Brian came down on you pretty hard today,” Luke mumbles, relaxing into Calum’s side.

“Not really,” Calum maneuvers to rest his head against the top of Luke’s. “He just told me he’s not too happy with our sales revenues this quarter.”

Luke nods against Calum, “Hard business for industrial machines in this country.”

“We’re trying to sell overseas,” Calum says, “I’m taking this online class in international business in the fall.”

“Look at you,” Luke’s hair brushes against Calum’s chin as Luke talks, “finally getting to college.”

Calum smirks. After they’d graduated high school, Calum and Luke had moved into together and gotten jobs at Jacobsens, like everyone else in their town. Calum worked in the factory and Luke scored a job as a secretary in the office. A year into it, Luke started talking about college, something they’d never discussed before. Calum worked and paid the bulk of their rent for their small apartment above the hairdressers in town while Luke drove the hour commute three times a week to the community college in the closest city. Five years, two college transfers, and a lot of late nights helping Luke study for exams later, Calum watched Luke cross the stage at his graduation.

With Luke’s degree, he got rehired as a sales assistant. It wasn’t what he had aimed for, thought his bachelors would get him in the accounting department, but it worked. Calum cut back his over time and they were comfortable. When Luke had left, Brian had taken a chance on Calum and moved him up to the sales after seeing how Calum had helped Luke. Luke’s absence is what got Calum out of the factory.

Luke and Calum settle into a steady conversation, starting with the day and working backwards.

Luke laughs into Calum’s chest, “I’m not the one who was afraid of ET.”

“I was not afraid of him!” Calum asserts.

“Cal, you screamed when he came on screen,” Luke smiles and pokes at Calum’s thigh. Luke has moved to sit against the side of the trunk, perpendicular to Calum. They’ve been here for hours. Discussion has devolved to trying to out embarrass each other.

“I can beat that!” Calum points.

Luke smiles, “Try your best.”

“You,” Calum emphasizes with this extended hand then drops it, “said ‘Great Scott’ constantly for months after we saw Back to the Future.”

“That’s not embarrassing, that was cool!” Luke tries but Calum is not having it.

“Sure it was babe,” Calum smirks.

“It was. Back to the Future is cool,” Luke leans his head back, and looks to the ceiling, “I used to think about it all the time.”

Calum laughs, “What, did you have a crush on Michael J. Fox?”

Luke grins, shy, and looks out to the rain, “Nah, I was pretty stuck on someone else.”

Calum stills. How had he not noticed? He coughs, trying to force the guilt out, “Then what did you think about?”

Luke picks at his nails, “Not when I was a kid, like, after my divorce.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah,” Luke continues, “I thought about what might happen if I had a time traveling Delorean, and I went back to when we were kids and told myself to tell you.” The words fade out as Luke’s face flushes in embarrassment.

Calum thinks, truly thinks about the situation, “I probably would have punched you.” Luke laughs loud and Calum lets out a chuckle in shock, but continues, “but after a few days I’d miss you too much. I’d have to see you again.” Calum looks straight at Luke, “Probably would’ve convinced you to run away with me to San Francisco or New York, where we could be ourselves.”

Luke nods, “Would’ve been nice.”

“Yeah,” Calum agrees.

Luke digs his toes under Calum’s thigh, pushing the contact, “But I don’t think I could’ve done that.”

“What? Run away?”

“No,” Luke shakes his head, “Gone back. Made it happen like that. I wouldn’t be able to take everything you have now away from you,” Luke bends his fingers, stretching the joints, “I don’t think I could do it.”

“Hey,” Calum breathes out, barely audible, but Luke looks up, “Thank you.” He swallows, “For not making me choose.”

Luke nods. His head looks heavy on his shoulders, “I couldn’t ask you to do that. Besides, I’d hate you if you chose them and I’d hate myself if you chose me.”

The rain stays steady, hitting the top of the car gently. Calum’s body feels slow, molasses slow, as he moves to rest his head on Luke’s shoulder, crossing the chasm of the few feet between them. Calum latches onto Luke’s shirt, tangling his fingers to keep Luke close, “Thank you.”

Luke’s hands sweeps up and down Calum’s back, “Of course Cal.”

*****

Calum is working on the Copley account when Luke walks in, “Hey.” It comes out soft and heavy with feeling.

“Hi,” Calum sounds the same, soft grin over taking his face.

It’s been eighteen days of this. Eighteen days of heavy words and quick smiles.

“Want to go to Ronnie’s tonight?” Luke sits on the edge of Calum’s desk, hip next to Calum’s elbow as he types, “We haven’t been in awhile.”

“Can’t, we have plans with the kids after dinner. They start school soon and today was Nikki’s first day of soccer practice, so we figured we take them to a movie or something,” Calum says, typing up his client’s new information robotically. Luke stills next to him.

“What?” Calum puts a hand on Luke’s thigh and looks up at his face. Luke’s lip hangs, eyebrows drooped.

“Nothing,” Luke stares down at Calum’s hand, wedding ring a dull gold in the middle.

“Seriously, what?”

Luke crosses his arms over his chest, “It’s nothing, sometimes I get it in my head that," Luke looks away, "I forget you’re not mine.” Luke shrugs, like it’s ok. It’s not.

“I am, Luke,” Calum insists. He is Luke’s. And Ava’s, and Nikki’s, Adam’s. He’s giving as much as he can to all of them.

“Not only mine,” Luke mumbles, forcing a small smile and finally clapping his hand on top of Calum’s. He squeezes a tad too tight. Calum’s lucky his office is closed off and separated from everyone else.

“I’m not going to apologize for them, I won’t do that Luke. They’re my life,” Calum says, words forcing their way out of him.

“I know, I know. I’m not asking you to do that. I just forget sometimes, that’s all,” Luke tries to keep it light but his sorrow seeps into the words. Calum pulls his hand away. Luke doesn’t fight to keep it.

Calum returns to his editing, grimace on his face. He hates it when companies change their employees around. He has to call up all the different people he worked with in the past, find out who is replacing them, and then call the new people to make a relationship with them. It’s tedious.

“What are you doing?” Luke asks, pulling Calum away from his work.

“Client account updates. Someone at the Copley plant retired so I have to rework the records,” Calum types in an email and leans back, looking up at Luke.

Luke smiles, “Don’t you hate office work?” He lets out a breathy laugh, trying to steer the topic to safer territory, “Can’t wait until I don’t have to do it anymore.”

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, confused.

“Teaching. Grading’s a bitch, but it’s better than filing.”

Calum swallows, tilting his head onto his palm, “Luke, I’m so confused.”

Luke looks equally confused, “About what?”

“You teaching. You don’t teach anymore. You work here. With me.” The words shake out of Calum’s mouth. He already knows what’s coming. Luke’s pitying face confirms.

“Calum-”

“Seriously?” Calum stands up, needing space from Luke, “You weren’t going to tell me you were going to leave again?”

“I did, I told you I was only going to be in town for a few months. That hasn’t changed,” Luke says the words with confidence, unflinching where he’s perched on the desk. Calum’s head spins.

“What, this town isn’t enough for you now that you’re some big shot professor in California?” Calum mocks, trying to regain his footing in the conversation. He feels blindsided.

“It’s not,” Luke says, eyebrows furrowed. Calum freezes.

“What?”

“Being here, this life isn’t enough for me,” Luke’s lips settle into a straight line, “I don’t know why you would think it’s enough,” Luke’s hands are clasped together, white knuckled, in his lap.

“Because we’ve got each other. We make each other happy,” Calum responds, on the edge of pleading. He holds his arms out, trying to show Luke all they could have, “We’re figuring it out. You can’t just leave.”

“It’s not like this is happening tomorrow Calum. But I’m staying for mom, not for you. You know that,” Luke stares hard at Calum, emphasizing his point.

“So what?” Calum runs a hand through his hair, trying to grip at something, “All of this is for nothing? You’re going to walk away, now?”

“You think I like how we are now?” Luke questions.

It feels like a punch to Calum’s stomach, “What’s not to like? What am I doing wrong?”

Luke averts his eyes, stares at the coat rack in the corner, “I have to watch you go home to someone else, your kids, knowing that if I had just told you twenty years ago-” Luke swallows hard. The air is too thick, it feels like water pouring down the back of Calum’s throat.

Calum stands still, back turned to Luke. He watches out the window. A flock of geese land on the hill outside. They look beautiful, not a care in the world.

Calum takes a deep breath and turns back to see Luke gripping his knees with both hands. Calum pushes his chair back, swiveling it in front of Luke’s legs and sits down, caging Luke in by planting a foot on either side of his legs. Calum loosens Luke’s fingers from his knees, massaging Luke’s palms instead, “Let’s not fight.  It won’t do either of us any good.”

Luke takes back his hands and crosses them over his chest, one resting against his throat, pulling at the skin. Luke can’t meet Calum’s gaze, merely swallows again and wipes moisture from the corner of his eyes. He arranges his face into a semblance of a smile before turning his head down to nod at Calum. Calum takes stock of the situation, wrapping his hands under Luke’s knees. He pulls in even closer to Luke.

“Sorry,” Calum sighs, looking at his thumbs pressed into the top of Luke’s thighs, “None of this is fair to you.”

“It’s not,” Luke mutters.

“It just-” Luke’s eyes rest somewhere behind Calum’s head as Calum speaks, “It would have been nice.” Luke nods.

Calum leans forward, wrapping his arms around the back of Luke’s legs and resting his head against Luke’s hip. Luke’s hands trail down, one finding it’s way to Calum’s hair and the other around Calum’s shoulders. Luke’s hands bury themselves in Calum, pulling him close.  

The touches aren’t any more than what they would’ve done growing up, two boys comfortable with each other’s bodies, hiding feelings that they never thought would be known. But now, they’re motivated by something else. Now, it’s as if they’ve both realized this is all they’ll have so they’re taking what they can get.

Luke cards his fingers through Calum’s hair and hums an old Green Day song.

*****

Calum gets a call at three in the morning the night before Nikki and Adams’ first day of school. Luke’s watery voice on the other end clues him in to what happened almost immediately. Calum asks Luke if he wants him to go over, but Luke, with a quiver in his voice, says he’s with his brothers. Calum hangs up and turns to Ava, waiting patiently for him to get off the phone.

Calum curls an arm around her shoulder and rubs her back. They try to figure out the best way to tell the kids their Aunt Liz has passed. Ava falls asleep next to him but Calum stays up, feeling as if Luke needs him awake.

*****

Calum jumps up the three steps to the doorway. He’d called in sick this morning, saying he didn’t feel well. Ashton had sighed, saying he’d already heard and for Calum to take the time he needed. With a polite thanks, Calum had hung up and rushed out the front door.

The Hemming’s door has always been open for Calum. On the strange chance that it’s locked, Calum knows which rock holds the hidden key. Based on Luke’s tone on the phone this morning, Calum doubts Luke remembered to lock the door behind him. Calum turns the knob and the door pushes open.

“Calum?” Luke calls from the living room. Calum kicks off his shoes and moves to the doorway. Luke is already standing there and Calum bundles him up in arms.

They don’t talk. They stand there, Luke’s face tucked into Calum’s neck, his back bending to accommodate. Calum holds Luke against him, his fingers spreading to cover the surface area of Luke’s back.

The air in the house moves around them, a reminder of where they stand. Over Luke’s shoulder, Calum sees piles of knick knacks starting to form and boxes in the corner, “What are you doing?”

Luke’s nose fits along the line of Calum’s neck, “She started a few weeks ago, sorting. I’ve been working on it.” Luke swallows, “I don’t want to leave it to Ben and Jack.”

“Have you slept?” Calum moves his head to try and meet Luke’s eyes.

“I can’t.”

Calum cradles Luke’s head against his shoulder. Luke’s skin is pale. Calum is hit by a memory of only a few nights ago. Luke had sat next to him at the bar at Ronnie’s. With crude laughter and self deprecation, Luke had told Calum about the guilt he felt for leaving his mother alone for twenty years. She’d visited him a few times in California, but Luke grumbled about Calum being a better son to her than himself. Luke’s lips are pursed and dry. Calum wants to take care of him.

“Come on,” Calum pulls Luke further into the room, dragging him down to the couch with him.

“I should keep working-”

“No,” Calum says, hands steady on Luke’s body, “Not today.”

Luke relents, eyes empty and body numb. Calum easily manipulates his body so that Luke’s head rests on his chest, right over his heart, and Luke’s hand is in Calum’s. Calum massages Luke’s fingers in one hand and runs the other up and down Luke’s back.

“Try to sleep babe,” Calum whispers, the sun filtering into the room over their heads.

Luke drops off after a few minutes. Calum follows not longer after, lulled to sleep by the sound of Luke’s breathing and the smell of his soap.

*****

The temperature drops on the day of the funeral, most of the town donning black suits and dresses to head out to the cemetery. Nikki cries on the car ride.

Luke stands at the gravesite, a looming black figure against the bright green of the hill. The deep mahogany of the coffin sits next to the grave. Calum and his family take their place in the crowd to watch.

The funeral goes well, tears springing from people’s eyes. Calum watches the tremor in Luke’s shoulders as his brother gives the eulogy.

After the service, they start lowering the coffin into the ground. Calum can’t take his eyes off of Luke. Luke stands alone, next to his brothers, their wives, and children. Tears slide down his face silently. His eyes track the movement of the coffin, down.

Calum moves before thinking. He steps away from Ava’s arm in his and walks around the crowd to stand next to Luke. Luke hardly acknowledges him, shifting minutely towards Calum, as if his presence there is help enough.

Luke’s arms are held behind his back. Calum reaches back, unknotting his fingers carefully. He grabs hold of Luke’s freed hand and squeezes once, bringing their clasped hands between them, partially hidden by their suit jackets. At this point, he doesn’t mind if everyone in town sees the gesture. He doubts they’ll think it’s anything out of the ordinary for them.

Luke relaxes next to Calum, resting his head against Calum’s shoulder. A few tears fall onto Calum’s suit. Calum rests the bridge of his nose against Luke’s carefully styled hair. He feels Luke’s breaths shaking in his own ribcage.

The entire town can see them, pressed close. Calum’s sure no one will ask him about it. They’re all too afraid of the answer.

*****

“Luke?” Calum calls, walking through Luke’s unlocked screen door the day after the funeral. Many of the pictures and knick knacks are cleared away now.

“In here,” Luke calls from the living room. He’s standing over a pile of boxes, all full and labeled with Luke’s brothers’ names. He’s looking at a photo album, stretched over the top of the boxes.

“You’re not taking anything?” Calum asks, leaning against the door jamb in the living room.

Luke shrugs, “My apartment is small, I don’t have much room.”

Calum nods. Luke’s not looking at him. Calum needs Luke’s eyes on him.

“So, when are you leaving?” Calum tries, hoping it sounds more casual than it feels in his mouth. It makes Luke look at him at the very least.

“Tomorrow.”

“Oh,” the breath is knocked out of him. Tomorrow is so soon. Too soon.

Luke turns, leaning against the wall next to the boxes, arms crossed over his chest. He sighs, “I can’t stay, Calum. I can’t keep sharing you. It’s not fair to me and it’s not fair to Ava and-”

Calum darts across the room, headed straight for Luke. Luke moves, arms already out to catch Calum. Calum crowds him against the wall. They’re legs slot together and Luke’s arms come up around his shoulders while Calum rests his hands on the wall behind Luke’s hips. His hands ball into fists. Luke presses his nose to Calum’s temple.

“It’s not fair that-” the words get caught in Calum’s throat, “It’s not fair that we didn’t even get to try.” Calum moves a hand to Luke’s waist and digs his thumb in, “If we had been born just a few years later...”

“Your family is so beautiful, Calum. They’re great,” Luke stumbles over the words. One of Luke’s hands curls around Calum’s neck, a steady pressure.

Suddenly, Calum’s skin crawls with the need to kiss Luke. He’s wanted to over the past weeks, has thought about it every time he has kissed Luke’s cheeks. But it’s never felt like this, a need to brush his lips against Luke’s, once.

Calum looks from Luke’s eyes to his lips. Luke seems to understand. He brings a hand to cover Calum’s mouth, “No.”

Calum’s hand on Luke’s waist slides up to his back, pressing Luke’s body against his, “Please, Luke, please.” The desperation he’s feeling betrays him, lips trembling under Luke’s fingers.

Luke shakes his head, “We won’t stop. I’ll never want to stop.”

Calum’s insides shake as he fights with his wants and desires. He controls himself, burying his head in Luke’s neck instead. Luke’s hand grips in his hair.

“We had 26 years,” Luke mumbles in Calum’s ears, “That’s a lot more than some people get.”

“Not enough,” Calum whispers into the curve of Luke’s neck. His hands grip Luke so tight but it’s not enough. Luke won’t stay.

Luke doesn’t answer. He encircles Calum entirely, both of them hoping the clock will stop and give them a few more moments like this.

Calum takes inventory of his body pressed to Luke’s. He catalogues the temperature of Luke’s skin, pleasant warmth. He maps his hand up and down Luke’s back, knowing this will be the last time he can do so. He remembers the hitch in Luke’s breath, how it stutters against his ear. He’ll want these memories.

“Nikki’s game is at noon tomorrow. It’s the first one of the year,” Calum whispers in Luke’s ear.

“I’ll stop by before,” Luke assures.

“You could come with us,” Calum says, wanting a few more life events shaped by Luke.

Luke shakes his head, “No. That’s for you and your family.” Calum lets out a heavy breath, pushing down any feelings that would wedge themselves between himself and Luke.

The sun drops in the sky and Calum has to pull away. Luke doesn’t watch as Calum walks out the front door. Luke doesn’t see the tears caught in Calum’s eyes.

*****

“Calum! Luke’s here!” Ava calls from the front hall. Calum ties up his shoes and heads down the stairs in time to hear, “...you should come with us.”

“I’m actually leaving today,” Luke runs a hand through the back of his hair, sheepish, “But thanks for the invite.”

“Oh,” Ava says, soft. She leans in to hug Luke. Calum watches from the stairwell, “It was good to have you back, even if the circumstances weren’t ideal.”

“It was great to see you to,” Luke smiles pulling back, “And the kids. You’ve raised wonderful children.”

“Thank you,” she takes a step back inside, glancing over her shoulder to see Calum, “I’ll let you guys talk. Have a good trip, Luke.” Her eyes look pitying when they meet Calum’s.

“Bye, Ava,” Luke says. Ava walks toward the kitchen and Calum leads Luke onto the porch, closing the door behind them.

“Hey,” Calum says, soft as always. Luke grins at him, nervous, and holds out a picture frame.

“Here, I found it last night,” Luke says, holding it so Calum can grab the side. Calum raises it to see the picture in the frame.

When Calum and Luke were 24, they loaded up Calum’s truck and drove to see Blink-182 play in a tiny venue a thousand miles away. They put an old mattress in the back of the truck and slept in sleeping bags under the stars for two nights. They stopped in every town along the highway and walked around, making memories in the odd little spots stretched across the midwest. They bought five or six disposable cameras and documented the whole process, picture by picture. This one was from a stop at a diner. They’d finished breakfast and tried to get a picture of the two of them, Luke holding out the camera. He’d taken ten shots from different angles and distances. This picture, the one in Calum’s hands, is the only one that came out well, with both of their smiles clear, the curtains billowing in the breeze behind them.

“I thought you could keep it,” Luke interrupts Calum’s thoughts, “To remember me.”

“What about you?”

Luke looks down at the picture of them, so happy, “I don’t need a picture to remember you, Calum.”

Calum thumbs over Luke’s smile in the frame and sets it down on the small table next to his door. He’s going to put it up somewhere he’ll walk by everyday. Maybe he’ll make a copy, put one on his desk at work.

Calum turns back to Luke. He reaches forward and Luke steps toward him. Calum wraps his fingers around Luke’s forearm and Luke does likewise, their arms a link between them as they stand toe to toe. Calum can’t rip his eyes away from Luke’s.  

“If I had known, that night, that I wouldn’t see you again for twenty years, I would never have let you leave the bar,” Calum says. Luke’s sad smile drags across his face, but there’s a sparkle in his eye. Calum swallows, snapping a picture of that expression for his memories. “I don’t think I can let you go again Luke,” Calum finishes his thought.  

Luke purses his lips, looks at their joined arms, and then back at Calum, “If you ask me to stay, I’ll stay, Calum,” Calum immediately sees it, his temperature rising. Seeing Luke everyday, Luke invited to all holiday events, tagging along on vacations with them. It’s a nice, hopeful moment, but then Luke tears it to shreds, “But don’t make me. Don’t make me keep doing this. I can’t,” Luke’s throat is choked, words barely escaping, “Let me go.”

Calum nods once. He tamps down his selfish desires, knowing he could make Luke stay for the rest of his life with a few words. But he does what’s best for Luke and leans forward, cradling Luke’s elbow with his free hand and leaning his cheek against Luke’s. Luke’s hand comes up to Calum’s shoulder.

Calum whispers in the short space between his lips and Luke’s ear, “I love you, Lukey.”

Luke presses his cheek harder against Calum’s, drawing in a harsh breath, “Love you too, Cal.” The words wash over Calum. Calum lets himself have those words even if he doesn’t deserve them.

Calum brings his lip to the apple of Luke’s cheek and presses a heavy kiss against the warm skin. He lingers, not rushing the moment.

Calum takes a step back but keeps their arms entwined, “I’ll miss you.” Luke nods, his lips contorting painfully, showing how true the words are.

It takes them a few moments of holding on to realize they can’t anymore. Luke starts stepping away and Calum follows, walking with Luke to the edge of the porch. Calum hangs on to the banister at the end. Luke looks back one more time, biting his lip, before pulling his hand out of Calum’s grasp and walking to his car with sure footsteps. Calum would fall over if he didn’t have the support of the porch.

Luke’s back is to Calum when he reaches his car. Luke stands at the driver side door. Calum sees him rest his hand on the car top, his body vibrating with energy. Calum wants to run over and take Luke in his arms. Calum wants to tell him to stay, they’ll figure it out. Instead, Calum watches as Luke takes one more deep breath and opens the door, sliding into the seat. 

Calum can’t move from his spot as he watches Luke back out from the driveway and disappear down the street. His fingers grip into the wood of the porch and he tries not to feel like he let the best thing that ever happened to him drive away.  

“Dad?” Nikki calls from the front doorway, “Are you almost ready to go?”

Calum still feels unsteady and doesn’t look back at her. He tries to arrange his face so she won’t be able to see the emotions falling off of him in waves.

“Dad?” she asks again, closer and quieter. She puts a hand on his back and he wraps an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into him. He needs to remember all that he has, “you okay?”

“Yeah,” he lies.

“Mom said Luke was leaving. I’m sorry,” she says carefully.

“It’s okay, love,” he puts on a smile as he looks down at her, “I’ll be ready to go soon. You want to drive today?”

Her eyes widen, “Really?”

“Sure, why not?” He tugs on her braid, “Might as well drive to your first big soccer game.”

She bounces once on her toes and pulls away, “I’ll go get my permit!” He watches as she runs back inside, calling out to her brother that she’s going to drive them to the game.

His eye catches on the picture frame sitting near the door. There are no wrinkles on their skin, no baggage on their shoulders. Their only care was for each other and they’re smiling like they don’t think anything will ever change that.

Calum walks over to pick up the picture. Luke’s smile stares back at him. 

“Calum?” He looks up to see Ava in the doorway. Her face is sad for him, “You okay?”

He tries to string his words together in a way that will make her feel loved and wanted, to let her know he’s confident in the choice she doesn’t realize he’d made. But words fail him once more, “No.”

She nods and opens her arms for him. He walks to her and pulls her against his body. As she rubs his back, he’s reminded of why he loves her, the big kind heart that allows her to care for her husband when he’s mourning a lost love.

“Guys?” Nikki stands in the door from the dining room, her own key ring held in her hand, “I’m going to be late.”

Calum pulls away from Ava, a hand still held against her back, “Is your brother in the car yet?”

Nikki pouts and yells, right where she’s standing, “A-dumb! Where are you?” Calum smiles as she runs to the stairs.

“Better?” Ava asks, still concerned.

Calum looks around their front hall, decorated to their taste. The hooks where their coats hang, an installment that had taken Calum three hours to put up mostly because four year old Adam wanted to help every step of the way. Photos line the walls from vacations and family reunions. Adam’s sneakers sit against the wall.

Calum looks down at the photo of Luke and his young self. He sets it up on the hall table, right next to a picture of Ava and him hiking with friends. He turns back to Ava, “Yeah.” She tangles their fingers together and grips hard. It’s comforting.

Slapping on the stairs draws Calum’s attention. Adam is racing down the stairs, Nikki following behind him mid laugh. Adam runs straight out the front door while Nikki stops next to Calum and Ava.

“Come on, we’re going to be so late!” She follows the trail her brother took.

Calum looks back to Ava with his mouth in a thin line, “I promised her she could drive.”

A laugh bursts out of Ava, her hand still holding his, “You’re going to have to follow through.”

Calum sighs, “We knew it would happen one day. Our girl behind the wheel.”

Ava nods her head, “Go on, I’ll meet you out there. Just have to grab my bag.”

“Well hurry, we can’t make her late,” Calum mocks. He squeezes her hand once more before letting go and heading out the door.

Calum hears a heavy thumping bass and turns the corner on his porch to see Adam and Nikki, buckled up in the car, heads banging to a familiar song. Calum flashes back to a concert, standing next to Luke, hundreds of people pressing together to get close to the stage and Luke singing these lyrics in his ear.

Calum walks up to the open passenger window, “Have you been going through my CD collection again?”

Nikki stops singing along and looks sheepish, “It’s good music ok?”

Arms wrap around Calum’s stomach from behind. Ava stands on her tip toes to look over Calum’s shoulder, “Didn’t you and Luke go see them live?”

“Really?” Nikki asks, amazed.

“Of course we did. Once we could drive, Luke and I were famous for our crazy trips to see bands play. We saw The Rolling Stones twice,” he holds up two fingers for emphasis.

“Can I do that when I get my license?” Nikki asks, pleading.

“Just remember, you did this to yourself,” Ava whispers in his ear before climbing into the backseat.

“No,” Calum looks at Nikki and pulls open the door, “Now come on, we’re going to be late.”

Calum buckles his seatbelt and Nikki puts the car into reverse, pulling out of the driveway with ease. Calum quirks an eyebrow at her, “Where did you learn how to drive?”

“Some policeman taught me,” she retorts. Calum grins, watching her scan the streets before she takes a right, her hand placement at ten and four. That coupled with how she’d thrown the car into drive only points to one person. Luke must have been teaching her behind his back.

Calum lets the music run through him. Luke won’t be coming back. Maybe Calum will be nostalgic of what could’ve been every time he sees that picture or hears a slough of songs. Maybe he’ll wake up in cold sweats, missing someone who was never really his but who will always belong to Calum in some way he can’t pin down. But Calum watches his daughter turn on her turn signal with a familiar flick of a wrist, and knows that all the pain will be worth it, if his daughter singing along to his favorite songs is what he gets to keep.

Calum sits back and feels the phantom touch of Luke’s fingers interlaced with his own, the sway of the car linked to Luke’s laugh so clearly in his mind. 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you thought so that I can know how people feel about stuff like this in the future!
> 
> I'm on tumblr at emmybazy.tumblr.com. Have a nice day. :)


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